A Family Affair
by Rigel K
Summary: This story came from a question posed by a member of my former writing group: Why don't Bruce Wayne and Lex Luthor ever interact? Note: This is intended as a humorous piece and there is some OOC behavior.


It would be wildly inaccurate to say Lex Luthor waited patiently for his two o'clock appointment. Luthor had many traits, patience had never been one of them, but wait he did. Which was unusual in of itself. There were very few men in the world who would be willing to make him wait. Even fewer who would survive such a provocation.

But this man fell into both categories and the meeting was important enough to Luthor that he wasn't willing to make an issue of it.

"I know you weren't raised properly Luthor, but I would've thought you'd learned enough about aping manners by now that you'd offer a guest some refreshments."

At the first word Luthor was half out of his chair and reaching for something deadly hidden in his desk. Then he realized who it was in the chair across from him and he battled the urge to continue reaching for the weapon.

Bruce Wayne sat there, appearing totally relaxed. Either oblivious to, or contemptuous of his possible danger. Seeing one corner of Wayne's mouth curved up in an arrogant sneer Luthor felt fairly certain which it was. And yes it would feel very good to melt those arrogant features away, but the possible gain from this meeting was too great to throw away for a moments satisfaction. Besides it was certain that Wayne wasn't as defenseless as he appeared.

"I'm surprised my secretary didn't announce you, she must be slipping." Luthor returned to his seat, trying to regain his composure and looking for a way to gain control of the meeting.

"She looked really busy, I didn't want to bother her."

"How considerate. But no cape? I'm a little disappointed, I was looking forward to a more, theatrical entrance."

"I decided Bruce Wayne had less to lose if he was caught in a face to face with Lex Luthor. Besides I thought you wetting yourself was very dramatic. By the way, feel free to take a minute if you need to change."

Fighting back the urge to growl Luthor decides upon another tack. "Now, now little brother, aren't you a little old for such a display of sibling rivalry."

Wayne was obviously bothered by the reminder of their familial tie. "Just because my Father's condom broke while he was visiting a Metropolis whore is not good enough reason to consider you family Lex."

Luthor ignored the shot at his mother. He'd never been particularly fond of her himself. "So you admit it so easily. I'm a little surprised. I had evidence for you, I'm almost disappointed I don't need it."

"My Father thought it was funny whenever he spawned a new bastard. He used to tell me about them. Said if I wasn't a good little boy he'd change the will so they'd get the money. Ridiculous of course. The family fortune is in a trust and can only be passed to a legitimate heir. After my parents were murdered I found a journal my father kept. You were listed. One of many."

Luthor was surprised, and more than a little suspicious. This was too easy. But still at this point all he could do was press on. "For a man who dedicated himself to fighting crime because of his parents murder, you speak of it rather calmly."

At this Wayne smiles. "I fight crime because I enjoy the challenge of it. It's constant and changing. But Batgirl was very understanding when I explained my loss. As was Wonder Woman, and more than a few others."

"As for my parents murder, as I said my Father's threats were ridiculous. But I didn't understand the laws of inheritance at eight. Which was really unfortunate for them."

Luthor was shocked. He'd meant to confront Wayne with the evidence he'd uncovered and use it as a lever to get what he wanted, but he'd never expected him to just admit it. Luthor tried to regain his composure while Wayne continued speaking.

"Really, you of all people should be sympathetic. At 14 taking out life insurance on both your parents-"

"He wasn't really my Father."

"True, but you didn't know that at the time. But as I was saying, then taking that money and turning it into a fortune. I would think you of all people would understand what I did."

"Certainly," Luthor answers "but some things have come to my attention-"

"Let's cut to the chase shall we? You have evidence proving I killed my parents and if I don't do something you want me to do you'll make sure the police get it, and etc, etc. Is that about it?"

"Yes."

"And what exactly were you going to blackmail me into?"

"I want your help with Superman. Specifically I want to know who he is when he's not flying around with that big S on his chest."

"I thought as much. But why bother with his "secret identity", you know how to kill him after all."

"Killing him isn't exactly easy you know. If it was just him that'd be one thing, but there's always someone wanting to come and help him out. To be close to the "great man". And then of course he takes all the credit. And they're happy to let him."

"Annoying isn't it?" Bruce said.

"You have no idea! Here's a guy who has every adolescents dream abilities. Super everything, but that's not enough. Everybody loves him and wants to heap honors and rewards on him for doing things that require practically no effort from him. And then when he comes to something he can't handle half the world jumps to his aid, and then still gives him all of the credit. I have never seen more unearned glory in my life!"

Luthor realizes he's been ranting and tries to calm himself.

Bruce takes the opportunity to speak. "I have to admit seeing the big blue dolt rack up all of those accolades can be annoying. If people only knew. The man's number one concern is his image. Do you have any idea how much time he spends in front of the mirror just trying to get that stupid spit curl right?"

"Are you joking?" Luthor asked.

"No. He actually had some researcher at STARR Labs come up with some kind of super hairspray so it won't get mussed no matter how wild things get."

Luthor actually laughs at this revelation.

"So I have to admit I wouldn't be that bothered if you got rid of him..."

"Excellent, lets get started then-"

"But," Wayne interrupts.

"But?"

"I don't like being blackmailed." Wayne pulls a file out from his briefcase and Luthor starts to worry. Wayne flips through it and says "You know one thing I find funny. The fact that Superman's identity, oh one second." Wayne reaches inside his suit jacket and pulls out a small case. "As I was saying his identity has been staring you in the face all these years and you've never seen it." As he finishes speaking Wayne pulls on a pair of glasses and smiles cheerily at Lex.

Then he looks down at the file again."Ah, hear it is. If you could read that for me please." Wayne hands Luthor a file.

Luthor reads, and as he does his anger rises. "Poor man, burned up in that freak fire. And all of his computers and files destroyed. Oh, speaking of computers, I do have to apologize."

"Apologize, what do you mean apologize?"

"I only meant to destroy that one file, but it seems my virus was a little over ambitious. It wiped out about 20% of the Luthorcorp mainframe. Sorry."

Wayne closes up his briefcase, puts away his glasses and rises to leave. But as he turns away he pauses and turns back. "And if you were thinking of using a recording from one of your devices, I'd forget it. I took the liberty of disabling them all before I entered your office. I must say I'm surprised though Lex."

Still reeling Lex responds sullenly. "Surprised, by what?"

"I expected you to record our meeting of course, after all who knows what incriminating things I might say. But considering some of your own activities I'm surprised you had three different devices. Weren't you concerned one of them would fall into the hands of someone who would use it against you?"

Luthor is stunned into silence. He had intended to record the meeting. But he'd only had two devises with the second as a back up. Where had the other one come from and how long had it been there. Luthor's mind raced trying to assess the possible consequences.

Not waiting for an answer he was certain wouldn't come Bruce turned and left. Which was good as it kept Lex from seeing the big grin that spread across his face.


End file.
